The 4077th Performs Les Mis
by Maveriqua
Summary: So, what happens when you combine comedy with tragedy? Major randomness (props to people who get the pun). Rated T for swears and because it's Les Mis. I do not own anything.
1. Introductions

The compound of the MASH 4077th was cold and desolate. Well, almost. Captain Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Captain BJ Honeycut, Corporal Walter "Radar" O'Reilly, Colonel Sherman Potter, Major Frank Burns, and Major Margaret Houlihan were standing there, looking like they'd rather be back in their tents.

Margaret: Are you sure this is where the note said to be?

Rader: Yes ma'm.

Magaret: Good, because if you're wrong...

Me: (walks in) Brrrrrrr!

Hawkeye: You said it!

Frank: Hey! Who are you?

Me: The author.

Frank: Of what?

BJ: The note! Duh!

Me: (nods, teeth chattering) Le-let's get inside before you guys turn into armysicles!

(all of us walk inside the Swamp)

Cnl. Potter: So, what's this all about?

Hawkeye: Yeah, spare me the suspense. We were standing out there for about, (checks his watch) well, enough time for my watch to freeze.

Me: Okay. You guys are going to perform one of the greatest plays of all time!

BJ: West Side Story?

Hawkeye: Is that even written yet?

Me: Yes, but that's not it.

Margaret: Well what is it?

Me: Here, let me show you the costumes. (hands Frank a sea captain style hat, gives Radar a French flag, and throws Margaret a torn skirt.)

Radar: Umm... I don't get it.

Me: Les Miserables!

Hawkeye: Isn't that the book about the French Revolution that's thicker than War and Peace?

Me: Yes, but we're not doing that version. We are doing the version that is a three-hour long play.

Frank: Which sounds so much better.

Me: Yes, it is!

Minutes later, everyone was gathered in the officers club, where a stage had been set up.

Me: Alright, here are the parts.

Klinger: Hoo, boy.

Me: Colonel Potter, you are Jean Valjean.

Cnl. Potter: Who's he?

Me: The good guy.

Cnl. Potter: Phew

Me: Frank

Frank: Major Burns!

Me: Okay Major Churns, you'll be Javert.

Frank: Ummmm...

Me: He's a police officer who's... well, he's a stick-in-the-mud.

Hawkeye: Well, how about that!

BJ: He won't have to do any acting!

Frank: Humph! (marches off)

Me: Okay, everyone else hold your questions 'cause you'll find out when the show starts.

Me: Okay, Hawkeye, you're Marius.

Hawkeye: Hi.

Me: Nurse Cratty, you're Fantine.

Nurse Cratty: Alright.

Me: Margaret, you're Eponine.

Margaret: Okay... who's-

Me: It's gonna be explained. Sheesh. Okay, Nurse Able, you're Cosette.

Nurse Able: Does she get a happy ending?

Me: I can't say. Okay, Radar, you're Enjolras. BJ, do you object to being Grantaire?

BJ: As long as he dosen't work with Javert, I'm fine.

Me: Okay, Sergeant Zale, you're Thenardier.

Zale: (looks through the script) He's a greedy, lowdown, no-good swindler. I like this guy!

Me: Ohhhhkkkkayyyy. Anyway, Klinger, we can't find anyone to be his wife.

Klinger: But she helps him!

Me: I know, I'm sorry, but it's nothing personal. Besides, you wear dresses anyway.

Klinger: True. (runs off)

Me: Father Mulcahy, can you be the bishop?

FM: I can certainly try...

Me: Okay, Sam?

(a young Korean boy rushes to the front.)

Sam: 여기에! Here!

Hawkeye: Is that his real name?

Me: No, but don't know his name and I had to call him something.

Hawkeye: Fair enough.

Me: Alright, you will be playing Gavroche.

(Frank comes out of the changing room, dressed like Javert)

Sam: Hi, Joe!

Frank: Oh, no...

Me: (grins) Yep.

Here's how it worked out for the major characters:

Valjean- Cnl. Potter

Javert- Frank Burns

Bishop- Father Mulcahy

Fantine- Nurse Cratty

Marius- Hawkeye Pierce

Cosette- Nurse Able

Eponine- Margaret Houlihan

Enjolras- Radar

Grantaire- BJ Honeycut

Gavroche- Sam

Thenardier- Sergeant Zale

Mme. Thenardier- Klinger


	2. The (Super-Duper Long) Prolouge

(the overture plays, and the lights come on to reveal a chain gang on a galley ship.)

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye. Look down, look down, you're here until you die**

Hawkeye: Cheery.

Prisoner 1: **The sun is strong, it's hot as hell below**

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, there's twenty years to go...**

Prisoner 2: **I've done no wrong, sweet Jesus hear my prayer!**

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, sweet Jesus dosen't care...**

Prisoner 3: **I know she'll wait, I know that she'll be true**

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, they've all forgotten you**

Prisoner 4: **When I get free, you won't see me, here for dust!**

Klinger: Are these guys in the army too?

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye.**

Prisoner 5: **How long, O Lord, before you let me die?**

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, you'll always be a slave. Look down, look down, you're standing in your grave.**

Frank: **Now, bring me prisoner 24601! You're time is up and you're parole's begun! You know what that means-**

Cnl. Potter: **Yes, it means I'm free! **Wait, what did I do wrong?

Frank: **No!**

Cnl. Potter: Huh? That's not an answer!

Frank: **It means you get your yellow ticket of leave. You are a thief!**

Cnl. Potter: **I stole a loaf of bread! **Wait, I went to jail for that?

Frank: **You robbed a house! **Hah!

Cnl. Potter: **I broke a window pane! My sister's child was close to death. We were starving-**

Frank: **You will starve again unless you learn the meaning of the law! **Starving is no excuse!

BJ: I'm not liking this law then.

Cnl. Potter: **I know the meaning of those nineteen years, a slave of the law! **So I not only went to jail for stealing bread but I went for nineteen years?

Frank: **Five years for what you did, the rest because you tried to run, **See? Not so much of a sentence now.

Cnl. Potter: Pardon my language, but that's horse hockey!

Frank: Hmph! **Yes, 24601!**

Cnl. Potter: **My name is Jean Valjean! **Actually, it's Sherman.

Frank: **And I'm Javert! Do not forget my name!**

Cnl. Potter: I'm going to forget this whole place as soon as possible. Especially you.

Frank: **Do not forget me!**

Cnl. Potter: Didn't you hear what I said?

Frank: **24601! **I like this guy!

Prisoners: **Look down, look down, you'll always be a slave. Look down, look down, you're standing in your grave!**

Nurse Able: Well, _that_ was happy!

Radar: It's gonna get better though, right? Right?

Cnl. Potter: **Freedom is mine. The earth is still. I live again. I breathe again. **

BJ: ZOMBIE!

Cnl. Potter: **And the sky clears. The world is waking. **It was asleep? **Drink from the pool, how clean the taste. Never forget the years, the waste. Nor forgive them for what they've done. They are the guilty, every one. **Harsh! **A new day dawns and now let's see what this new world will do for me.**

(Brief musical interlude)

Man: **You'll have to go! I'll pay you off for the day! Collect your bits and pieces there and be on your way!**

Cnl. Potter: **You've given me half of what the other men get! **What? **This handful of tin wouldn't buy my sweat! **Well, it is tinfoil...

Worker: **You broke the law, it's there for people to see. Why should you get the same as honest men like me?**

Cnl. Potter: **Now every door is closed to me! Another jail, another key, another chain! When I visit any town, they check my papers and they find the mark of Cain! In their eyes, I see, their fear. 'We do not want you here!' **This is depressing...

(Brief musical interlude)

Woman: **My rooms are full, and I've no supper to spare. I want to help a stranger only one is to be fair!**

Cnl. Potter: **I will pay in advance! I can sleep in a barn! You see how cold it is outside?** Hawkeye's watch froze! **I'm not some kind of dog! **Though there's one in the army...

Sam: Really?

Hawkeye: Yep, Corporal Cupcake.

BJ: _Lieutenant _Cupcake, actually.

Man: **You'll leave my house, or feel the weight of my wand!**

BJ: There are wizards in this thing?

Me: No, unfortunately, unless the Colonel's cousin Harry turns up.

Man: **We're law-abiding people, thanks be to God!**

(People chase Cnl. Potter through the streets)

Cnl. Potter: **And now I know how freedom feels, the jailer always at your heels, it is the law. **And it's a bunch of horse hockey! **This piece of paper in my hand that makes me cursed throughout the land, it is that law! **This is getting ridiculous! **Like a cur, I walk the street: the dirt beneath their feet! **And sad...

FM: **Come in sir, for you are weary. And the night is cold out there. **Did Hawkeye's watch really freeze? **Though our lives are very humble, what we have we have to share. There is wine here to revive you. There is bread to make you strong. There's a bed to rest 'till morning. Rest from pain and rest from wrong... **But he didn't do anything!

Crnl. Potter: THANK YOU! **He let me eat my fill, I had the lion's share. **That's nice. **This silver in in my hand cost twice what I had earned. In all those 19 years, a lifetime of despair.**

Radar: Especially for me!

Crnl. Potter: **And yet he trusted me...** **The old fool trusted me! **I don't mean that!

FM: It's quite alright.

Crnl. Potter: **He'd done his bit of good.** **I played the grateful serf, and I thanked him as I should. But when the house was silent, I got up in the night. Took the silver, **Crap... **Took my flight! **Crap!

(Musical Interlude- The police bring Cnl. Potter back)

Police 1: **Tell his Reverand your story!**

Police 2:** Let us see if he's impressed!**

Police 1:** You were lodging here last night!**

Police 2:** You were the honest bishop's guest! **

Police 1:** And then out of Christian goodness**

Police 2:** When he learned about your plight**

Police 1:** You maintain he made a present**

Police 2:** Of this silver-**

FM:** That is right!**

Crnl. Potter: Huh?

FM: **But my friend, you left so early** Actually, it was the middle of the night... **surely something slipped you by. You forgot I gave these also **(holds out candlesticks) **would you leave the best behind? So Monsieur, you may release him, for this man has spoken true. I commend you for your duty.**

Klinger: Hehe, doody.

Frank: Oh, grow up!

FM: **God's blessing go with you...**

Crnl. Potter: What's going on here?

Hawkeye: Hey, don't complain!

FM: **But remember this my brother, see in this some higher plan, you must use this precious silver, to become an honest man. By the wretchedness of the martyrs, by the passion in the blood, God has raised you out of darkness, I have bought your soul for God.**

Crnl. Potter: That was unexpected.

Frank: This is against the law! Jail!

Hawkeye: Frank, go soak your head.

Frank: Threatening a police officer? Jail!

Everyone else: (facepalms)

Crnl. Potter: **What have I done?**

Frank: Broke the law!

Crnl. Potter: (glares) **Sweet Jesus what have I done?**

Frank: Broke the law!

Hawkeye: That's it! (pushes Frank out the door and shuts it) **(Author: Thanks to Evita for this!)**

Frank: (muffled) Pushing police out the door? Jail!

Everyone else: _Thank you!_

Crnl. Potter: (ahem) **Become a thief in the night, become a dog on the run! **That's an insult to the good Lieutenant! **Have I fallen so far and is the hour so late, that nothing remains but the cry of my hate? The cries in the dark, that nobody hears? Here I stand at the turning of the years!**

BJ: (jazz hands) Drammmaaaaaa!

Crnl. Potter: **If there's another way to go, I missed it twenty long years ago! **I thought it was nineteen. **My life was a war that could never be won. **So is this one. **They gave me a number that murdered Valjean!** Isn't murder against the law? **When they chained me and left me for dead, just for stealing a mouthful of bread! **I still don't get that...**Then why did I allow that man, to touch my soul and teach me love? He treated me like any other... He gave me his trust, he called me brother... **Guilt trip! **My life he claims for God above! Can such things be? **Apparently. **For I had come to hate the world **That's a lot to hate... **This world that always hated me! Take an eye for an eye! **And the whole world goes blind. **Turn your heart into stone! **And your chest is heavy. **This is all I have lived for! This is all I have known!**

Hawkeye: Must've had a terrible childhood.

Crnl. Potter: **One word from him and I'd be back! Beneath the lash, upon the rack!**

FM: That's probably why he didn't say anything.

Crnl. Potter: **Instead he offers me my freedom! I feel my shame inside me like a knife**... Yet another guilt trip! **He told me that I have a soul...how does he know? **He's a bishop, he knows this stuff. **What spirit comes to move my life? Is there another way to go? **There always is. **I am reaching... **And straining... **But I fall, and the night is closing in, and I stare into the void, into the whirlpool, of my sin... I'll escape now, from that world, from the world of Jean Valjean... **Please don't tell me he's committing suicide.

Me: No, that's not until later.

Crnl. Potter: Phew- wait, what?

Me: Just get on with it.

Crnl. Potter: Okay... **Jean Valjean is nothing now! A new story must begin! (Epicly rips up the parole ticket and runs off) **Yes, I'm free!

Me: (mutters) Don't get your hopes up, bud.

(EPIC OVERTURE PLAYS and LES MISERABLÉS is shown on the stage!)

Hawkeye: Wait a second!

(Record scratching noise)

Hawkeye: Why is the title suddenly showing up now? The play's been going on for about ten minutes!

Me: (fidgets) Um, yeah, the thing is, the story hasn't really started yet.

BJ: Huh?

Me: That was just the Prolouge.

Hawkeye, BJ: WHAT!

Margaret: (faints)

Crnl. Potter: How long is this play?

Me: Like I said, about three hours.

Crnl. Potter: ...crap.


	3. At the End (of Nurse Cratty's patience)

(EPIC OVERTURE starts playing where it left off)

Poor : **At the end of the day, you're another day older.**

Hawkeye: Well, duh!

Poor: **And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. It's a struggle, it's a war,**

BJ: So is this

Poor: **And there's nothing that anyone's giving, all day standing about, what is it for? One day less to be living. At the end of the day you're another day colder. And the shirt on your back dosen't keep off the chill. And the righteous hurry past**

Crnl. Potter: Don't you mean self-rightous?

Poor:** They don't hear the little ones crying, and the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill. One day nearer to dying.**

Hawkeye, BJ: (sung) Depreeeessiiiiingggggg!

Me: That's why it's called Les Miserables.

Poor, Workers: **At the end of the day there's another day dawning, and the sun in the morning is waiting to rise, like the waves crash on the sand, like a storm that'll break any second, there's a hunger in the land, there's a reckoning still to be reckoned, and there's gonna be hell to pay, at the end of the day!**

Foreman: **At the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing! Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread! **

Man 1: **There are children back at home, and the children have got to be fed, and you're lucky to be in a job!**

Seamstress: **And in a bed!**

Both: **And we're counting our blessings!**

Seamstress 2: **Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today? With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?**

Margaret: (shudders)

Seamstress 3:** It's because little Fantine won't give him his way!**

Nurse Cratty: With what?

Seamstress 4: **Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands!**

Margaret: (faints)

Nurse Cratty: Wait a second...

Seamstress 3: **And the boss, he never knows, that the foreman is always on heat!**

Seamstress 2: **If Fantine doesn't look out, watch how she goes!**

Nurse Cratty: I'd rather not.

Seamstress 2: **She'll be out on the street!**

Workers: **At the end of the day, it's another day over! With enough in your pockets to last for a week! Pay the landlord, pay the shop, keep on paying as long as you're able. Keep on paying 'till you drop, or it's back to crumbs off the table. Well, you've got to pay your way! At the end of the day!**

Girl: **And what have we here little innocent sister? Come on Fantine, let's have all the news! (grabs letter, reads) Dear Fantine, you must send us more money, Cosette needs a doctor, there's no time to lose!**

Nurse Cratty: **Give that letter to me, it's none of your business!** It's really not. **With a husband at home and a bit on the side? Is there anyone here who can swear before God she has nothing to fear, she has nothing to hide?** Mind your own beeswax!

(they get into a tussle)

Hawkeye, BJ; Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Crnl. Potter: (hurries in) **What is this fighting all about? **Weren't you listening? **Will someone tear these two apart?**

Hawkeye: Just when it was getting fun!

Crnl. Potter: **This is a factory, not a circus!** Although you are acting like clowns.

Everyone on set: Hey!

Crnl. Potter:** Now come on ladies, settle down. I own a business of repute, I am mayor of this town**! Wait, how did _that _happen? (looks to foreman)** I look to you to solve this out**, Not a good idea. **And be as patient as you can..**.

Foreman: **Now someone say how this began!**

Girl: **At the end of the day, she's to one who began it! There's a kid that she's hiding in some little town!**

Nurse Cratty: Don't blame me girlie!

Girl: **There's a man she has to pay, you can guess where she picks up the extra. You can bet she's earning her keep sleeping around.**

Nurse Cratty: (rolls up her sleeves) That's it!

Foreman: (holds her back) You're not doing yourself any favors you know.

Girl:** And the boss wouldn't like it...**

Nurse Cratty: **Yes, it's true there's a child, and the child's my daughter**. Really? **And her father abandoned us, leaving us flat! Now she lives with an innkeeper man and his wife and I pay for the child, what's the matter with that? **Nothing!

Workers:** At the end of the day she'll be nothing but trouble! And there's trouble for all when there's trouble for one! ****While we're earning our daily bread, she's the one with her hands in the butter. You must send the slut away,**

Nurse Cratty: (turns very, very red)

Workers: **Or we're all gonna end in the gutter, and it's us who'll have to pay, at the end of the day!**

Foreman: **I might have known the bitch could bite**

Nurse Cratty: (slaps him)

Foreman: Ow! It's in the script!** I might have known the cat had claws, I might have guessed your little secret... Ah, yes! The virtuous Fantine! Who keeps herself so pure and clean, you'd be the cause, I have no doubt, of any trouble hereabout! You play a virgin in the light, but need no urgin' in the night!**

Girl:** She'll be laughing at you while she's having her men!**

Workers:** She'll be nothing but trouble again and again, you must sack the girl today!**

Foreman:** Right my girl, on your way! **

(Nurse Cratty is chased out)

Nurse Cratty: Well, this stinks.

**Chapter question:**

**How long before Nurse Cratty snaps?**


	4. I Dreamed A (Crazy, Insane) Dream

**And now for I Dreamed a Dream!**

**I am soooo sorry that I have not been posting! I will try to update every week or so, sorry! Just to apologize, I will also update two one-shots I have been working on. One is a M*A*S*H*-Harry Potter Crossover and the other is a Les Mis- Wolverine Crossover**

**Repunzeline- Thank you for being the first one to review! Radar as Enjolras: He's really too old to play Gavroche, and I just figured what the heck? Sam- Yes, he is. He's one of my favorite characters (I wish he wasn't in just one episode) and I just wanted to torture Frank. As for Margaret, I guess I do portray her as a little squeamish, but she's loosened up a bit (this takes place after she's engaged [SPOILER!]). Oh, and don't worry, I got some kids from the orphanage to help out.**

Nurse Cratty: **There was a time when men were kind, **when?

All Men: HEY!

Nurse Cratty: Just kidding. **And their voices were soft, and their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind end the world was a song **which ended before I was born. **And the song was exciting. There was a time, when it all went wrong. **Well, duh! **I dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high, and life worth living. **Not another suicidal character! **I dreamed that love would never die! I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Then I was young and unafraid **This _was _a while ago... **and dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid! No song unsung **Except this one, I bet it wasn't sung until now... **No wine untasted. But the tigers come at night, **there are tigers in Korea? **With their voices soft as thunder, as they tear your hope apart. As they turn your dream to shame! **This is-

Me: I know! It's depressing! For the last time, that's why it's called Les Miserablés!

Nurse Cratty: _Sheesh! _**He slept a summer by my side. He filled my days with endless wonder. He took my childhood in his stride! But he was gone when autumn came! And still I dream he'll come to me! **Someone like him? You're desperate. **That we would live the years together! But there are dreams that cannot be! And there are storms we cannot weather! I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living! So different now from what it seemed! Now life has killed the dream, I dreamed... **This lady has issues!

Margaret: (now revived) Well, can you blame her?

**So, I will try to update Lovely Ladies sometime in the next few days. In the meantime, review!**


	5. (Not-so) Lovely Ladies

**Here it is! Lovely Ladies!**

Me: Okay, we're gonna need Frank for this next scene, unfortunately.

BJ: (sighs) I'll get him. (goes out and returns with Frank frozen in ice)

Me: Alright, now we can move on.

**(at the docks)**

Sailor 1**: I smell women, smell 'em in the air. Think I'll drop my anchor in that 'arbor over there!**

Sailor 2**: Lovely Ladies! Smell 'em though the smoke! Seven days at sea can make you hungry for a poke!**

Sailor 1**: Even stokers need a little stoke!**

FM: Oh, dear.

Nurse Cratty: Sam, cover your ears.

Sam: (already covering his ears) What?

Prostitutes: **Lovely Ladies, waiting for a bite, waiting for the customers who only come at night! Lovely ladies, ready for the call: standing up or lying down or any way at all. Bargain prices up against the wall!**

Old Lady: **Come here, my dear, let's see this trinket you wear. This bagatelle...**

Nurse Cratty: **Madame, I'll sell it to you! **At least until I get a job...

Old Lady: **I'll give you four!**

Nurse Cratty:** That wouldn't pay for the chain!**

Old Lady:** I'll give you five! You're far too eager to sell!**

Nurse Cratty: **It's all I have **Don't tell her that!

Old Lady: **That's not my fault! **It's not...

Nurse Cratty:** Please make it ten!**

Old Lady:** No more than five, my dear we all must stay alive!**

Prostitutes: **Lovely Ladies, waiting in the dark. Ready for a thick one or a quick one in the park!**

P(rostitute) 1: **Long time, short time, anytime my dear. Costs a little extra if you want to take a year.**

All Ps: **Quick and cheap is underneath the pier!**

Crone: **What pretty hair, what lovely lock you've got there. What luck you've got! It's worth a shilling my dear! I'll take the lot!**

Nurse Cratty: What? **Don't touch me! Leave me alone!**

Crone:** Let's make a price. I'll give you all of ten francs, just think of that...**

Nurse Cratty:** What can I do?**

Crone:** Just think of that...**

Nurse Cratty:** What can I do? It pays a debt! Ten francs might save my poor Cosette! **This "Cosette" kid better be darn grateful!

Sailor 3: **Lovely lady, fastest on the street, wasn't there three minutes, she was back up on her feet**

Sailor 1: **Lovely lady, what yer waiting for? Doesn't take a lot of savvy just to be a whore! Come on, lady, what's a lady for?**

(Nurse Cratty comes out with a wig)

Pimp: **Give me the dirt, who's that bit over there?**

P:** A bit of skirt, she's the one sold her hair**

P2:** She's got a kid sends her all that she can**

Pimp:** I might have known, there is always some man. Lovely lady, come along and join us! Lovely Lady!**

Nurse Cratty: Um, no!

P3: **Come on dearie, why all the fuss?**

Nurse Cratty: Are you seriously asking me?

P3:**You're no grander than the rest of us. Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap. Join your sisters.**

P4:** Make money in your sleep.**

P3: **That's right dearie, let him have the lot. **

Nurse Cratty: This sucks.

P4: **That's right dearie, show him what you've got.**

Ps: **Old men, young men, take 'em as they come! Harbor rats and alley cats and every kind of scum . Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land, see them with their trousers off, they're never quite as grand. All it takes is money in your hand! Lovely ladies, going for a song. Got a lot of callers but they never stay for long...**

Nurse Cratty: **Come on, Captain. You can wear your shoes. Don't it make no difference for a girl who can't refuse.** Hey, wait! (turns to me) You're not keeping us here, so what's preventing me from walking out on the part?

Me: (points to Frank, who [unfortunately] is almost melted)

Nurse Cratty: (sighs)** Easy money laying on a bed. Just as well that they can't see the hate that's in your head. **For this part. **Don't they know they're making love to one already dead!**

BJ: Not another zombie!

**Oh, BJ... Anyways, hope this makes up for my long absence. Please review! All flames will be used for making a bonfire.**


	6. Fantine's Arrest (Frank is stupid)

**Fantine's Arrest!**

**I own nothing! BTW, I'm sorry for not updating, and the lines will be in a more scripted form from now on.**

Bamatabois: **Here's something new**

**I think I'll give it a try. **

**Come closer you **

**I like to see what I buy**

**The usual price for just one slice of your pie.**

Nurse Cratty: **I don't want you! **

**No, no Monsieur let me go**! Get away from me!

Bamatabois: **Is this a trick? I won't pay more!**

Nurse Cratty: **No not at all! **My thoughts exactly!

Bamatabois: **You've got some nerve you little whore! **

**You've got some gall! **

**It's the same with a tart as it is with a grocer! **

**The customer sees what he gets in advance! **

**It's not for the whore to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir'! **

**It's not for the harlot to pick and to choose **

**or lead me to a dance!**

Nurse Cratty: (jumps on him)

(A big cloud of dust is kicked up and when it dissipates both are on the ground panting)

Nurse Cratty: (regains her breath after a water break) **I'll **(cough) **kill you, you **(wheeze)** bastard try any of that! **You tell him girlie!

**Even a whore who has gone to the bad **

**won't be had by a rat!**

Bamatabois:

**By Christ you'll pay for what you have done**

**This rat will make you bleed, you'll see!**

**I guarantee, I'll make you suffer**

**For this disturbance of the peace**

**For this insult to life and property!**

Nurse Cratty:

**I beg you, don't report me, sir**

**I'll do whatever you may want**

Bamatabois:

**Make your excuse to the police!**

Nurse Cratty: Oh, (expletive)

**[ Frank enters, accompanied by constables.]**

Frank:

**Tell me quickly what's the story**

**Who saw what and why and where?**

**Let him give a full description**

**Let him answer to Javert!**

**In this nest of whores and vipers**

Everyone on set: HEY!

Frank:

**Let one speak who saw it all**

**Who laid hands on this good man here?**

**What's the substance of this brawl?**

Bamatabois:

**Javert, would you believe it?**

**I was crossing from the park**

**When this prostitute attacked me**

**You can see she left her mark**

Frank:

**She will answer for her actions**

**When you make a full report**

**You may rest assured, M'sieur,**

**That she will answer to the court.**

Nurse Cratty**:**

**There's a child who sorely needs me** Who I haven't met yet!

**Please M'sieur, she's but that high**

**Holy God, is there no mercy? **Seriously Frank?

**If I go to jail she'll die!**

Frank**:**

**I have heard such protestations**

**Every day for twenty years**

**Let's have no more explanations**

**Save your breath, save your tears**

**Honest work, just reward,**

**That's the way to please the Lord.**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**A moment of your time, Javert**

**I do believe this woman's tale** So zip it, Ferretface!

Frank**:**

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**You've done your duty**

Klinger: DOODY! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Crnl. Potter:

**Let her be**

**She needs a doctor, not a jail.**

Frank**:**

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Nurse Cratty**:**

**Can this be?**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**Where will she end -**

**This child without a friend?**

**I've seen your face before **Yes, about ten minutes ago.

**Show me some way to help you**

**How have you come to grief**

**In a place such as this?**

Nurse Cratty**:**

**M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray** I worked in the factory!

**It's hard enough I've lost my pride **doing this part.

**You let your foreman send me away **It was a bad idea!

**Yes, you were there, and turned aside**

**I never did no wrong**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**Is it true, what I have done? **Yes.

Nurse Cratty**:**

**My daughter's close to dying**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**To an innocent soul?**

Nurse Cratty**:**

**If there's a God above**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**Had I only known then...**

Nurse Cratty**:**

**He'd let me die instead! **Um... does that sound like foreshadowing to you?

Crnl. Potter**:**

**In His name my task has just begun**

**I will see it done!**

Frank**:**

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**I will see it done! **Shut up Frank!

Frank**:**

**But M'sieur Mayor!**

Crnl. Potter**:**

**I will see it done!**

Random Person: **Look out! It's a runaway cart!**

**Quick Question: For the song Gavroche sings, should I do "Little People" or "Ten Little Bullets"?**

**Just asking.**

**I am also going to start working on a Les Mis/Doctor Who crossover soon.**

**Finally, if you want a character to answer a question you have, just type it in a review and they will answer it next chapter. Ta-ta!**


	7. Frank's Runaway Mind

**Alright, how come there's only one review when there are 189 views? Please review, people! I even gave you a question to answer dagnabit!**

**(Ahem)**

Random People:

**Look at that! **

**Look at that! **

**It's Monsieur Fauchelevant! **

**Don't approach! Don't go near! **

**At the risk of your life! **

**He is caught by the wheel! **

**Oh, the pitiful man. **

**Stay away, turn away, **

**There is nothing to do.. **

**There is nothing to do.. **

Crnl. Potter:

**Is there anyone here **

**Who will rescue the man? **...Anyone?

**Who will help me to shoulder **

**The weight of the cart? **

Random People:

**Don't go near him, Mr. Mayor **

**The load is heavy as hell **

**The old man's a goner for sure **

**It'll kill you as well. **

**(Crnl. Potter EPICLY almost lifts the CART!)**

Crnl Potter: (Gasp) (wheeze) Isn't there supposed to be a rope attached to that or something?

Me: I took it out.

Crnl Potter: A little help here?

(Hawkeye and BJ help him lift it)

Fauchelevant:

**M'sieur le Mayor, I have no words **

**You come from God, you are a saint. **

Hawkeye: Ahem?

Fauchelevant: Okay, you too...

BJ: Ahem?

Fauchelevant: (sighs) Yeah, yeah... (is pulled offstage)

Frank**:**

**Can this be true? **

**I don't believe what I see! **Someone calling Pierce a saint?

**A man your age **

**To be as strong as you are... **Seriously!

**A memory stirs.. **

**You make me think of a man **

**From years ago **

**A man who broke his parole **

**He disappeared **

**Forgive me, Sir, **

**I would not dare! **

Crnl. Potter:

**Say what you must, don't leave it there. **I seriously want to hear this!

Frank:

**I have only known one other **

**Who can do what you have done **

**He's a convict from the chain gang **

**He's been ten years on the run **

**But he couldn't run forever **

**We have found his hideaway **Really?

**And he's just been re-arrested **

**And he comes to court today. **Yes!

**Of course he now denies it **

**You'd expect that of a con **

**But he couldn't run forever, **

**No, not even Jean Valjean! **Oh...

Crnl. Potter:

**You say this man denies it all **

**And gives no sign of understanding or repentance? **This is even dumber than usual, Burns!

**You say this man is going to trial **

**And that's he's sure to be returned **

**To serve his sentence? **

**Come to that, can you be sure, **

**That I am not your man? **

Frank:

**I have known the thief for ages **

Hawkeye: You should! He's your boss!

Frank:

**Tracked him down through thick and thin **

**And to make the matter certain **

**There's the brand upon his skin **

**He will bend, he will break **

**This time there is no mistake. **

Crnl. Potter: ...I don't know what to say to that.

Klinger: Oy vey…

**Please review! Oh, and don't forget about the question I asked you last chapter!**


	8. Colonel Potter gets Amnesia

**AUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!**

**Okay, I get you may not forgive me, but I am so sorry! I got caught up in other stories, then I got writers block... Anyway, I'm back!**

**Doctors: BOOOOOOOO!**

Me: Okay, people, I'm back, let's go!

Everyone: (groans)

Me: Hmph!

CP: Okay, let's get this over with...

**He thinks that man is me**

**He knew him at a glance!**

**That stranger he has found**

**This man could be my chance!** Oh, boy...

**Why should I save his hide?**

**Why should I right this wrong **Because it's the right thing.

**When I have come so far**

**And struggled for so long?**

**If I speak, I am condemned.**

**If I stay silent, I am damned!**

**I am the master of hundreds of workers.**

**They all look to me.**

Frank: (cough) Excuses(cough)

CP: You know you would say this, now shut up!

**How can I abandon them?**

**How would they live**

**If I am not free?**

**If I speak, they are condemned.**

**If I stay silent, I am damned!**

**Who am I?** Colonel Sherman Potter.

**Can I condemn this man to slavery** Illegal!

**Pretend I do not feel his agony**

**This innocent who bears my face**

**Who goes to judgement in my place**

**Who am I?** I just said who I was!

**Can I conceal myself for evermore?**

**Pretend I'm not the man I was before?**

FM: I don't think he is...

CP:

**And must my name until I die**

**Be no more than an alibi?**

**Must I lie? **No...

**How can I ever face my fellow men?**

**How can I ever face myself again?**

**My soul belongs to God, I know**

**I made that bargain long ago**

**He gave me hope when hope was gone**

**He gave me strength to journey on**

**[He appears in front of the court]**

**Who am I? Who am I?**

**I am Jean Valjean!**

**[He unbuttons his shirt to reveal the number tattooed to his chest]**

Really?!

Me: (grins) Really

Fangirls: (squeal)

CP:

**And so Javert, you see it's true**

**That man bears no more guilt than you!**

**Who am I?**

**24601!**

Fake prisoner: Can I go now?

Me: No!


	9. Fantine's Death will be the Death of Me

Me: Oh Nurse Cra-tty!

Nurse Cratty: What?

Me: Time to die!

Nurse Cratty: ... **C****osette, it's turned so cold **Wait, where is she?

**Cosette, it's past your bedtime **Actually, it's sixteen hundred hours. Kid has an early bedtime.

**You've played the day away**

**And soon it will be night. **In two hours.

**Come to me, Cosette, the light is fading **Because it's becoming night?

**Don't you see the evening star appearing?**

**Come to me, and rest against my shoulder**

**How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder. **I need long underwear.

**Hurry near, another day is dying **And so am I

**Don't you hear, the winter wind is crying? **Quite well actually.

**There's a darkness which comes without a warning**

**But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning.**

CP:

**Oh, Fantine, our time is running out **"Our" time?

**But Fantine, I swear this on my life**

Nurse Cratty:

**Look, M'sieur, where all the children play **Without bombs dropping on them...

CP:

**Be at peace, be at peace evermore. **Yes, let us have peace

Nurse Cratty:

**My Cosette...**

CP**:**

**Shall live in my protection **She better!

**Nurse Cratty:**

**Take her now **Seriously?

**CP:**

**Your child will want for nothing**

Nurse Cratty:

**Good M'sieur, you come from God in Heaven. **That's a change. A few minutes ago she was like, "What have you done to me?"

CP:

**And none will ever harm Cosette**

**As long as I am living.**

Nurse Cratty:

**Take my hand,**

**The night grows ever colder.**

CP: **Then I will keep you warm. **That sounds... suggestive.

Nurse Cratty:

**Take my child, I give her to your keeping. **Because you're a complete stranger.

CP:

**Take shelter from the storm **The snowstorm, that is

Nurse Cratty:

**For God's sake, please stay till I am sleeping**

**And tell Cosette I love her**

**And I'll see her when I wake... **Aaaand, I'm dead now. Can I go?

Me: Nope. Not yet.

Hawkeye: So, we're about thirty minutes in end someone's died already? On screen?

Me: There's more to come.

Hawkeye: ...Great!

Frank: **Valjean, at last,**

**We see each other plain**

BJ: Way to kill the mood

Frank: '**M'sieur le Mayor,'** Ooh, fancy French!

**You'll wear a different chain!**

CP:

**Before you say another word, Javert **

**Before you chain me up like a slave again**

**Listen to me! There is something I must do.**

**This woman leaves behind a suffering child.**

**There is none but me who can intercede,**

**In Mercy's name, three days are all I need. **Really?

**Then I'll return, I pledge my word. **Why?

**Then I'll return...**

Frank:

**You must think me mad!**

Hawkeye: Yes, yes we do!

**I've hunted you across the years**

**A man like you can never change**

**A man such as you.**

[CP(in counterpoint)]

**Believe of me what you will **Which you won't

**There is a duty that I'm sworn to do **I'm a father!

**You know nothing of my life**

**All I did was steal some bread **Yeah, what's with that?

**You know nothing of the world **True that

**You would sooner see me dead**

**But not before I see this justice**

**done**

**I am warning you Javert**

**I'm a stronger man by far**

**There is power in me yet**

**My race is not yet run**

**I am warning you Javert**

**There is nothing I won't dare**

**If I have to kill you here**

**I'll do what must be done! **

[Frank (in counterpoint)]

**Men like me can never change**

**Men like you can never change**

**No,**

**24601**

**My duty's to the law - you have no**

**Rights**

**Come with me 24601**

**Now the wheel has turned around **Huh?

**Jean Valjean is nothing now**

**Dare you talk to me of crime**

**And the price you had to pay**

**Every man is born in sin**

**Every man must choose his way**

**You know nothing of Javert**

**I was born inside a jail **No I wasn't!

**I was born with scum like you**

**I am from the gutter too! **

CP:

**[to Nurse Cratty] And this I swear to you tonight**

BJ: Didn't your mother teach you not to swear?

Frank:

**There is no place for you to hide **Yes!

CP:

**Your child will live within my care **Where is she, anyways?

Frank:

**Wherever you may hide away**

CP:

**And I will raise her to the light. **Insert angelic chorus

Both:

**I swear to you, I will be there!**

Hawkeye: Now what?

* * *

><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


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